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Sunday, 16 September 2012

Revealed: Batman's Secret Weapon.

It has been weeks since its release and everyone is still talking about The Dark Knight Rises, or perhaps more accurately, the Dark Knight trilogy as a whole. While many people (myself included) are still struggling to come to terms with the soul-destroying fact that we will never again see a Nolan-made Bat-film, one solace is that the 'ending' has given us scope to view the trilogy as a complete, finished spectacle. With that in mind, I've decided to take a look at just how Batman pulled it off....

The Caped Crusader saved Gotham City from total annihilation three times, but just how did he do it? How did one man save the same city thrice? Well, I decided to assess the Bat's crime-fighting arsenal and city-saving antics to pinpoint which was the most vital.

You Will  NOT Believe What I Discovered! 

First though, lets take a look at the elements of Batman's heroic ethos that didn't make the grade:

1. The Secret Identity

The idea behind a secret identity is obvious: you're much easier to defeat as a mere member of the public than a caped Juggernaut. If villains know who's behind the mask, what's to stop them killing you when you're off-guard, shopping for fabric softener at the supermarket? So a superhero/vigilante keeps their true identity hidden to protect both themselves, and their loved ones. An easy enough concept to understand right? Well, apparently not for Christian Bale's Bruce Wayne, who might as well carry a large, Wile-E.-Coyote-style picket-sign that says: "Guess what? I'm Batman!". Below is a list of character's who know Bruce Wayne is Batman by the end of the trilogy:

Rachel Dawes
Alfred Pennyworth
Lucius Fox
Jim Gordon
Selina Kyle
Ra's Al Ghul
Miranda Tate
John Blake
Coleman Reese

Yes, no less than 10! 9 of which are principle characters! You almost feel sorry for Scarecrow and Two-Face because they didn't get the memo. Poor guys. So clearly, Batman's secret identity has been just a little more useless.

2. Powers of Deduction

The Batman of the comic books was know as the "world's greatest detective", a title that Christopher Nolan was key to pass over to his films. As well as the brawn, the Dark Knight had to possess the brains and cunning to catch the most conniving of foes. Staying one step ahead of the enemy is a vitality in crime-fighting, which is something Nolan's Batman actually does pretty well... if you skip the entire second film. You begin to lose count of just how many times the Joker outsmarts his nemesis in The Dark Knight. Whether it's getting arrested on purpose, killing Rachel or turning Harvey Dent to the dark side, Joker has Batman playing catch-up the whole time. Poor show.

Joker Preferred Katie Holmes

3. The Gadgets

After James Bond, Batman probably boasts the most impressive range of gadgets and gizmos ever. Nolan's films are the first to really take the Bat's arsenal seriously (no Bat-Shark-Repellent-Spray here), with everything from the mighty new Batmobile, to a device that can summon a swarm of real bats. All of which he puts to pretty good use, disorientating and deceiving his enemies with an array of hit-tech parlour tricks. Sadly, it only takes one person to cotton-on to a trick and render it useless, and unfortunately for Batman that one person happens to be someone capable of snapping his spine: Bane.

  "*grumble* Theatricality & Deception *grumble**grumble* powerful allies *grumble*"

4. An Excellent Judge of Character

This one is pretty self explanatory; Bruce Wayne really needs to choose his friends more carefully.

Liam Neeson's daughter wants revenge for having her dad TAKEN from her... sound vaguely familiar? 

So there are just some of Batman's components that come up short when it matters. All of them important to the hero's character, but all of them inadequate to claim the title of Batman's ultimate weapon. So what is I hear you cry? Well, see if you can guess:

Which of these things has batman used to save Gotham the most and is therefore his most powerful tool?

a) the advice of Alfred.
b) an inability to kill.
c) those little pointy gauntlet things on his forearms.

The answer is actually c) those little pointy gauntlet things on his forearms!

I know what you're thinking: What? That's ridiculous? What sort of moron is writing this garbage? Why have I wasted precious minutes of my life reading this drivel!?

Well calm down, all will be revealed. Yes, amazingly enough those pointy things on Batman's arms, or 'scalloped fins' as our ninja friends call them, have done more for Gotham City than you might realise. In each film these small wonder-tools shut down the main villain's attack and are the catalyst for Batman's victory. Still don't believe me, just look below:

Batman Begins
The fins break Ra's Al Ghul's sword in two...

Swordless, Ra's is defeated.

The Dark Knight
Batman fires the fins into Joker's face.

Blinded, The Joker is then defeated.

The Dark Knight Rises
The fins are used to break open Bane's mask.

Maskless, bane is unable to fight and is defeated. (apparently Batman finds that funny in this shot^)

So conclusive proof, Batman's greatest and most useful asset is, in fact, the scalloped fins on his arms.....

And you thought they were just for show.